Woke up at 5 a.m this morning and knew I wasn't going to be getting back to sleep, so I stood for an hour. I can do this easily now. I can do this with my arms raised up to shoulder level. I can do this with my arms raised above shoulder level in a kind of circle above my head. I have a hard time doing this with my arms spread out wide behind me. But if I can pull this off for about five minutes then the force in my arms is stronger when I hold them out in front of me.
The physical pain is really something that I barely concern myself with anymore. Mostly because it isn't even there. But the emotional pain. In the stillness of the morning, in the quiet, it's hard for me not to notice that I'm unhappy. Not unhappy with standing, but unhappy in my life. Unhappy and worried.
I fear that my lack of ambition is catching up with me, and I'm not clear on how standing in a magnetic force field everyday for an hour is going to change that.
The problem is that there's this voice, not like a crazy disassociated voice, or anything, it's my voice I know. But it's my voice strong and clear telling me that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. More than that, okay this is really embarrassing, it's telling me that this is the purpose of my life. To do this, and to do this by myself. It's not telling me that I should go and become an expert in zhang zhuang, find a mentor, learn more. It's telling me that I should just stand. Stand here everyday. Change and write about that.
So for the time being that's what I'm going to do.
