Wednesday, December 30, 2009

An Adventure in Lying Down

So now we're at New Year's Eve. And I feel good. I've been taking this chronotherapy seriously and I get into bed at 9:30, read with Ben and fall asleep by 10. It's the fourth day I've done this and I feel so much better. I feel like there's this obvious key to happiness that's always been right under my nose, but I've never seen it. I read recently that just getting an extra hour of sleep every night makes the average person happier than a $60,000 raise.

I'm going to add this to my committment. I get up at 6 a.m. I fall asleep by 10 p.m. and then I see how my life unfolds just from the stable supply of energy that evolves from these practices. That is my new year's resolution.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

This is the celebration that is supposed to cheer us up during the darkest time of the year. But I talk to my mother and she is so tired. I find it exhausting too. Seems to me it should be the time when we are sleeping, not partying. Does that make me a Grinch?

But I could use some more sleep. Read an interesting article in the New York Times yesterday about circadian rythms. I've always known this, but the article claims that they will be the next big trend. Chronomotrists, or something like that. People who coach you into healthier circadian rythyms.

I suppose that's what I'm doing here. Waking up at dawn. But going to sleep early. I know what an effect that has on my life, and still I don't do it. I'm addicted to electric lights, televisions, all the things that mess with my natural sleep patterns. I've read that you can lose weight just be sleeping earlier.

Today I sank a little deeper into my posture. This squatting, with your hands above eye lever is supposed to distort your sense of time. And true enough, the hour I meditate in the morning seems to pass much faster now. While I'm in this kind of trans state I try to visualize myself getting really, really tired near eight or nine o'clock. All I want to do is start getting ready for bed. I lose interest in television. I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe I can hypnotize myself into an earlier sleep time. Wouldn't I rather be alert all day, than entertained for a couple of hours at night?

It seems simple, but until you feel that alertness as a daily fact in your life, for an extended time, then it's hard to keep it up.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Being Dreamt

As the days where I'm standing first thing in the morning build, the energy builds and my realization that I am an energy that is dreaming me becomes clearer.

Okay, clear to me, but I realize that might be a little cryptic to somebody else. Here's what happens now when I meditate. I stand. I feel the energy starting to circulate in my legs, in my Tan Tien. It builds up in my spine and between my knees and hands. Then I hear my muse, the voice that instructs me in what to do while I'm standing. I tells me to stand with her a little bit behind my body and just observe. Observe the energy a it builds, as it becomes the ball that lifts my arms. As it begins to open up my chest, my upper back, my brain.

I just observe the energy. And sometimes that energy even starts to get a little funky with me, sending pleasurable, erotic feeling through my tummy. Yesterday I had a weird afternoon meditation where I remembered my first, very disappointing, sexual encounter. I remembered it. I surrounded it in this new energy and I let it go. I feel like I'm being cleaning out of sadness and anger and disappointment as I ally with this new, although it's always been there, concept of self.

Is this self-immolation? It doesn't feel like it. I feel stronger, sturdier when I'm allied with this energy. I have a clearer picture of what I need to do to bring well being into my life. I feel healthier, not manic or unsettled.

The more I do this, the more I am driven by this energy. The more I am driven by it, the better I feel. To be driven by wellbeing. That is the best way to live.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Letting the energy do my thinking

The last week instead of assuming postures, I've been starting from the first position and letting the energy build and direct my body. At a certain point my muse told me to simply let this energy do my thinking for me. For a short while my thoughts stopped chatting and I was able to simply be in this energy.

I felt that very strong field of magnetic energy. It began to loosen my shoulders and go into my upper back. I started to shake a little, like a mini seizure. And then at one point it was like my body filled up like one of those snowmen balloons. I was just this energy being there.

I felt the urge to scream, and started fooling around with the idea of a mantra. Eventually it morphed into Yaweh. I am.

It's a hard, hard thing for me ego to accept that this. Just this standing in this field of energy is such a strong and important part of our evolution. But I know it is. And I know that my rewards for this are deep and enduring. To become this energy. To let it direct my life towards more loving, useful behaviour. To do this is to be secure in the knowledge that abundance is always available to me.

Now it's time to stop worrying.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

soft snow

There's a soft snow falling this morning. While I was shovelling it off the entrance I thought of it as all the pleasant numbness that can so easily build up, become ice and block the entrance of energy into my life.

I'm making healing metaphors out of all my housework recently. It's working wonders. My kitchen and bedroom are orderly. I managed to do some sweeping and dusting yesterday. Metaphors, I read in a poem recently, are god's directions.

I talk with my muse more regularly now. And last night while Ben was at piano, instead of reading or watching a movie on the ipod, I just sat. And sat and thought about how through most of my life I've felt really unwanted. Or maybe more acurately, I haven't often felt wanted. Really passionately wanted. In an erotic way, or in a loving way. Ben makes me feel wanted. But that's more needed. And it's not fair to burden him with that responsibility. I sat for a while and it struck me that the best way to be wanted it to actually want others.

I sat there for a long time and just wanted God. Really felt the strong desire for that in my heart.

It carried me through a difficult evening with Ben, who is becoming increasingly angry and rebellious. I took away his video game privileges. I decided that he needed an "evening of acceptance."

I'm worried about the effect of those games on his energy level. He seems to be driven by this rigid angry energy. Almost a rage. I need to find a way to help him unhook from that. But I need to unhook from it myself.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the nigth. I meditated. I read. I went back to sleep and made the mistake of bringing the ipod into the room with me. I slept in and had dreams about my mother. She and my father were sleeping in my room (I had moved to Ben's room in the middle of the night). She seemed sweet at first, but something put her into a rage. I responded in rage. And soon we were fighting with all the anger and despair we have always fought.

I don't want that in my life. I do not want to continue the tradition of that rage. I need to find peace.

Monday, December 14, 2009

creativity

It says in The Way of Power that creativity is the expression of your natural energy. For me it's an expression of my connection with the universal energy. I don't particularly like that description. It makes me feel all new agey, utopian, flakey. But I don't have words for it right now. I don't know why it's so important for me to find my own word for it, but it is. Consciousness will do for now. Creativity is the expression of my consciousness and I now that I believe in consciousness driven creativity.
Today is a day that is inching closer to the shortest day of the year. Dawn is late. Instead of turning on the light in the morning, this morning I sat in semi darkness until Ben woke up at around 7:20. There was no pink window. It had snowed last night and it was simply grey. This is why we celebrate Christmas I guess, because there is so little light.
I would rather sleep than celebrate. Man I could use a good sleep. Ben and I are developing a habit of watching the news until we fall asleep. Not healthy I'm sure. But at least it gets us into bed.
I would love to go to bed earlier. Have a really long and deep sleep and clean out all the sleep debt.
I wonder if this is the secret to cleaning out my financial debt. Getting rid of my sleep debt. If I slept that off, I would have enough energy to resist temptation, to make better financial decisions, to eat better and have more energy and willingness to work. I would be more useful, and healthy and all the things I want right now.
So what stops me. Habit. Bad habit. But more importantly absence of good habit. Absence of being in touch in the evening with my deepest desires. My desire for authentic happiness. I am not cultivating habits that put me in touch with that.
I need some sacred evening rituals. As permanent and ingrained in me as this habit of getting up in the morning.
Then I will have the energy and then the creativity and power that I want. That God wants me to have.
The Way. I still like The Way as an expression of this energy.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Famous last week words

Remember a couple of days ago when the chi was getting stronger. Well here I am now struggling to maintain my focus.

I'm obsessing over, all things, Roman Polanski. I wrote an opinion piece yesterday and now I can't stop thinking about it and get my mind back to the gentle energy I need. This morning, while standing, I had a Roman Polanski related memory, which I won't go into. But at least in standing I begin to trace the roots of my obsessions.

Much of my writing is driven by this obsessive energy, memories that want to come to the surface, desperation for validation. I wonder sometimes, okay often, if my public blog is more of a distraction than a help. I can't seem to settle down to the subject that I'm pretty sure is my calling, consciousness driven writing.

I, I, I, I.

Yesterday it hit me why I want to believe in this force, this energy that is stronger than me and that will intervene in my life in a positive way if I ask it. Because if it can help me and others then I have a responsibility to believe in it. If channeling it actually can bring love and justice and peace to the world, then I have a responsibility to channel it and encourage other people to do it. But I'm scared because I know that a lot of people will consider that regressive and irresponsible and immature. And I don't really have the authority or the great life to prove to anyone that this is a good thing to do.

But can't I do it because it's a good thing for me and a good thing for the people in my life, and for the other people who are also in the process of channeling it?

What is my way?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

chi drive

The Chi is getting stronger. And the motivation and drive to stand is getting stronger. I feel myself being more and more willing and able to surrender to it.

So now what. I don't feel like I'm ready to write anything substantial about this. Re-reading Elizabeth Gilbert and I think maybe I'm going to need some time with this chi before I figure out how and what I'm going to write about it.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's hard

This getting chi to flow into the rest of my day turns out to be harder than I expected. It all seemed to easy. Spend a few minutes connecting with chi everytime I feel the urge to do mindless net surfing.
But the will the mindless netsurf if strong in me. Or more specifically, the will to write entertaining, but ultimately unsubstantial blogs for Salon is pretty strong in me. The urge for validation is strong in me. And it makes it hard to stick with a practice that doesn't usually get validation from society.

I wonder. I wonder if there is a place where I could get the validation I need for this. I've said it before, but I think it's true now. I need a teacher.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

A Plan

My concrete sense of Chi is growing every morning. I'm optimistic that peace and energy are flourishing in me and have a permanent home in this dawn routine.
But how to get this consciousness to flow into my day, instead of dissapating by evening? One of the tricks I've been using to create an antidote to self-hatred and depression has been the habit of countering every negative utterance with a positive cognitive action. "I hate myself" with "May I be happy, at peace, flourishing in inner well-being." I think it would be good idea to target some bad habits in the same way. For instance when I feel the urge to do some mindless internet surfing, I hold the ball for five minutes. That way I'm bringing little pockets of healthy energy into my life and cultivating a nurturing habit that will hopefully take over and tip the balance from negative habits to positive ones.

This will be especially helpful at those times of the day when I want to sit down and overeat in front of the computer.

Let's try it and see.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dark night

Dark night of the soul last night. Or dark hour. Lay awake for a while frozen in fear with a vision of a life of poverty, not enough money. Just not enough. I couldn't seem to shake it. And then suddenly my brain shifted not to what I had instead of what I didn't have. I remembered that I have this flowering of peace inside me that I've been developing for the last two month in these morning meditation, and developing for years in my mid morning meditations. I focused on that and my mind shifted eventually from my fears to my sense of security.
This morning I'm tired. I know I'm not getting enough sleep, and I hear a voice telling me I'm depressed. So I decide to take twenty minute to stand and look at the sky. I realize that I am carving a permanent place for peace in my brain, that these morning practices, once established, are less likely to get tossed aside. I'm planting the tree of peace in my brain, and that is the most precious source of abundance that I can have. Greater than any bank account. I know this is true, but it may take some time to feel it.