The something in me

Okay, so I'm back to the "something in me" theory.  There is something in me that seems to feeding on my stress.  For lack of a better word, I guess I'm going to call it my pain body. 

There's a very sharp and primal anxiety right now that is struggling for control.  I'm going to win.  The question is how to transmute this energy as quickly and efficiently as I need to.

If I look at this problem like a coder, what is the smallest, repeatable action that I need to replicate and automatize, so that I can unblock this anxiety and move forward. 

Well, the smallest action is always awareness. I would need to assign painBody to a variable.  Then make painBody an new object.  Then I would need to de-increment it.  I could use my biofeedback machine to track my anxiety and bring it down.   That way the anxiety becomes a cue for relaxation.

Then what I want to do is to increase my vitality and energy, so that I can keep my focus on the actions needed to improve our financial situation.

What about one of the power exercises?  Maybe I need to do something more difficult for a bit.  Increase my metal energy.   That ties in well with the biofeedback machine.

I did a Tarot reading the other day,  and I there were a lot of swords.  I think it's time to start thinking and like a warrior. 

Last week I wrote about "something in me" that was scattering my mind to the wind.  I had all kinds of plans for getting my grip back.  Running was one.  And it worked to some extent.

But it also hit me yesterday as I was reading that over, that I'm not sure  "something in me" that is scattering my mind.  I live in a digital world, and it is the behavioural bias of that world to fracture the mind into a million little impulses.

I think this would be a good week for a digital diet.

I have the race coming up in a week.

I have the court case in less than a month.

I need the focus....

Going outside

For whatever reasons, I just haven't been keeping with the intermediate program I was going to keep to.

Something in me seems bent on scattering my mind to the wind.

So I decided last night it was time to get outside. It's spring. Maybe if I run in the mornings, instead of standing, I'll find I have the energy and vitality to get back to my intermediate practice.

Standing is HARD. The concept is so deceptively easy. Just stand, keep to the program. Let the energy build. But actually maintaining it is a whole other story.

But I have managed to cultivate some pretty strong habits. This morning I was alone running, and as I finished my run, I saw the sun rising.

That sun is familiar to me. It's like a friend. I've had some dark fears lately that maybe I'm spiraling into a depression. But when I'm outside, seeing the sun, I know I have the energy in me to keep it together. I know I have the psychic strength to build a good path for Ben and I.

I know I'm not really alone.

Bearing down

Okay I get it, I'm going through a mid-life crisis.

My life is changing in significant ways. I'm aging. The rut I've been clinging to, my half job as a book critic, has been pulled out from underneath my feet. And so, in many ways the future is uncertain.

Except it's not. This too will pass. I know it.

It's like when I'm running and there's this voice telling me to stop, that I can't do this, that really I should just let myself get stronger, naturally, and slowly over time. Be a beginner forever. Just have fun.

And then there's this other voice that's saying: no, you can do more than you think, and it's worth it to deeper and longer and find it in yourself to release whatever stress is blocking you from the next level.

It's time to bear down and come through this crisis stronger, wiser, more stable, more masterful than before.

The Change to Green

Today I changed the background of my post. It's part of an effort to re design my mental environment according to the advice of Dr. Rick Hanson's Greater Good blog.

Hanson has a good tip for dialing down the stress. Go from red to green.

A lot of red in my life right now, with the court case and my financial tight spot. At the same time I'm feeling a lot of growth. I'm very happy with an article I've been writing since the beginning of the year. I wrote a blog about my three months learning how to code, and got some encouraging response.

These are transitional times. I get it.

So time to change the background

Stress storm

This morning is a tough one.

I'm consumed and distracted with anxiety and mania involving this upcoming court case with my landlady.

I don't have the concentration to stand. Or I don't believe I have the concentration to stand. I'm having some autistic moments.

I try to program my mind into iterated relaxation.

I listen to my hypnotherapy tape.

I try not to panic about my mother coming over today for a birthday dinner.

I repeat my hypnotherapy mantra. I am capable of whatever life throws at me.

I go and re-read my entries on stress.

I discover a post I wrote about going deeper. So I go and set my timer fr 20 minutes of going deeper. Soon enough I am surrounded in magnetic calm. In this place I know that I am capable of letting go of unecessary, debilitating stress.

I know it.

But it's still hard to keep it going throughout the day.

I will remind myself that this calm is available to me whenever I need it today.